What’s the fucking point of an orange? I fucking hate oranges. It’s like wrapping Kevlar around a soft shite. What’s so fucking extraordinary about a bastard orange that it has to have a flak jacket anyway? Look at peaches, peaches are soft and easily bruised and exceptionally easy to eat. No helmets, no Kevlar, just a big fuck off nut in the centre and instantly ready to savour. But not oranges, oh no, you have to wrestle with the fucker. Scratch at it with your fingernails, squirting citrus acidic muck into your eye and all over the shop. Then when you finally get purchase on the skin and have it half way off the thing starts to fall apart and there’s shit and snot everywhere. You have orange finger nails, the sticky juice has ruined your hands and run half way up your arm and the good is completely gone out of it. They have pips too, imagine the absolute nerve of the bastards to have a Kevlar coat and then pips to boot, the pompous awkward little cunts. I should have bought an apple.
Max hand me a napkin I'm dying over here ....
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
MoreShiteThanYouCanShakeaBigAshPlantAt
Well it was dark when I woke up and I lay there with me arse hole cocked up in the air like a dead cow, I had a bedamndable pain in me stomach and it felt like I had a four stone bag of half eaten rotten supds stuck up inside me. I stumbled through the dark like Phil MacMucksavage stumbles through a sentence, I was looking for something to eat and I found a bag of big green and blue things that were all covered in pock marks. So after eatin all that was in the bag I opened me eyes and bejaysus it was birght. Right says I enough of the messin, I put on me best pair of Billy Dolans y-fronts and headed for Bakers. Now these y-fronts were not very fashionable but christ were they comfortable, they had a lovely long stain of Jisim down the front which was obviously a result of a good night Billy had spent with the SugerBills from BrokeHill. On the back I was sporting a fine collection of small holes which can only have appeared after fifteen years of wear & tear while drinking ten gallons of white spirits and milk, now if that won't make ya piss napalm and shite nails nothin will. Anyway on me way into town I meet the one and only Clogger Malone, he was sittin in the back yard with his lad in his hand beatin off the side of Phils car. "Bejaysus howya gon on" said I, the reply was very abrupt and as mad as a small to medium sized bucket of dogs mickies, "Go way or I'll beat the face of ya with the end me tool ya feckless rouge". "Right" says I "no pints for you then Cloggy", "Ahh bejaysus hould on" says he "I'm sorry". So meself and the bould Colggy Malone got his ould one to drive us into town in that clapped out banger she has the nerve to call a car. Now ould Malone is no F1 driver, jaysus I never even knew you could get to Bakers through the fields but christ when we came round the corner at the back of the mill I nearly ruined me best pair of Billy Dolans y-fronts. You should have seen her, she had her face squashed up against the windscreen, the feckin accelerator floored in second gear and the whole lot been done with the hand break on. Well I grabbed Cloggy by the two ears for safety and held on for dear life, and it wasn't until we stopped or should I say landed at Bakers that I realised why we were in second gear the whole time. Jaysus sure didn't oul Malone have the gear stick stuck to the hilt in her ould scabby guther and her moaning for Vincy Buntty the whole time. Into Bakers we went, I being as intelligent as I am bought the first round ... " Hows that carabunkle you have on your left testicle Baker" says I ... "Gout" says he "ya had your chance " ... so we went to the White Star ... And thats a story for another day ...
God Sued In Nebraska
From Sky News
God has apparently replied to a terror lawsuit against him in the States - by claiming he is immune to Earth's laws. A lawyer in Omaha, Nebraska, has filed an injunction against the supreme being - claiming he has made terrorist threats against him and his constituents. Ernie Chambers, a prominent civil rights leader and a member of the state legislature, claimed the Almighty had inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorisation of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants". The self-proclaimed agnostic is seeking a permanent injunction against God. But now it seems the creator has responded to the lawsuit after a file apparently dropped in from the heavens. "This one miraculously appeared on the counter. It just all of a sudden was here, poof!" said John Friend, clerk of the Douglas County District Court in Omaha. Signed by "God" the response argues that the defendant is immune from our planet's laws and that the US court lacks jurisdiction over God. Blaming the Almighty for human oppression and suffering misses an important point, it says. "I created man and woman with free will and next to the promise of immortal life, free will is my greatest gift to you," claims the response. St Michael the Archangel is listed as a witness, Mr Friend noted.
A case is also being put together by Ernie crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat Chambers to sue Santa for stress caused by not bringing the fucking bike he asked for when he was six. The Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are said to have gone into hiding as romours abound that Mr. Chambers has been less than impressed by their respective performances over the years. 'The Easter Bunny is a jummped up fuckpig' said Mr. Chambers 'and as for that cuntbubble the Tooth Fairy I estimate I'm owed somewhere in the region of one and a half million dollars what with interest, inflation and what not after I knocked all my teeth out with a lump hammer to try and help pay my way through college.'
Clearly there is a village somehwere being deprived of an idiot!
In other news check this guy out .....
God has apparently replied to a terror lawsuit against him in the States - by claiming he is immune to Earth's laws. A lawyer in Omaha, Nebraska, has filed an injunction against the supreme being - claiming he has made terrorist threats against him and his constituents. Ernie Chambers, a prominent civil rights leader and a member of the state legislature, claimed the Almighty had inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorisation of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants". The self-proclaimed agnostic is seeking a permanent injunction against God. But now it seems the creator has responded to the lawsuit after a file apparently dropped in from the heavens. "This one miraculously appeared on the counter. It just all of a sudden was here, poof!" said John Friend, clerk of the Douglas County District Court in Omaha. Signed by "God" the response argues that the defendant is immune from our planet's laws and that the US court lacks jurisdiction over God. Blaming the Almighty for human oppression and suffering misses an important point, it says. "I created man and woman with free will and next to the promise of immortal life, free will is my greatest gift to you," claims the response. St Michael the Archangel is listed as a witness, Mr Friend noted.
A case is also being put together by Ernie crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat Chambers to sue Santa for stress caused by not bringing the fucking bike he asked for when he was six. The Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are said to have gone into hiding as romours abound that Mr. Chambers has been less than impressed by their respective performances over the years. 'The Easter Bunny is a jummped up fuckpig' said Mr. Chambers 'and as for that cuntbubble the Tooth Fairy I estimate I'm owed somewhere in the region of one and a half million dollars what with interest, inflation and what not after I knocked all my teeth out with a lump hammer to try and help pay my way through college.'
Clearly there is a village somehwere being deprived of an idiot!
In other news check this guy out .....
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Tough Being Irish
Sometimes it's tough being Irish. We have a shite soccer team who couldn't kick doors on a Halloween night. We have a shite manager who would be out of his depth in a car park puddle and the whole shitting shooting gallery being lorded over by a punctured faced cunt with a head like a burst colon. Will we never learn?
On top of the soccer woes our much lauded and talked up rugby team struggled to beat two of the lesser rugby nations, though you wouldn't think them lesser on our performance. I've applied more pressure passing wind than our players managed in two games. Where is the pride and passion that was talked about? Maybe the poor lads can’t breathe in those S&M jerseys they now have to wear. The Bull John Hayes must be fucking wrecked after getting poured into his. It must take a half an acre of cloth to cover his vast bulk. Whatever the reasons or excuses, and there have been plenty of both, our lads need to cop themselves on and get a good dose of wake the fuck up if they intend beating France. I hate losing to France, the dirty talking frog eating surrender monkeys; it’s almost as bad as losing to England, almost now I did say almost.
Would You Get This Cab? Taken On Dawson Street.
On top of the soccer woes our much lauded and talked up rugby team struggled to beat two of the lesser rugby nations, though you wouldn't think them lesser on our performance. I've applied more pressure passing wind than our players managed in two games. Where is the pride and passion that was talked about? Maybe the poor lads can’t breathe in those S&M jerseys they now have to wear. The Bull John Hayes must be fucking wrecked after getting poured into his. It must take a half an acre of cloth to cover his vast bulk. Whatever the reasons or excuses, and there have been plenty of both, our lads need to cop themselves on and get a good dose of wake the fuck up if they intend beating France. I hate losing to France, the dirty talking frog eating surrender monkeys; it’s almost as bad as losing to England, almost now I did say almost.
Would You Get This Cab? Taken On Dawson Street.
Monday, September 10, 2007
ArseBook
Like FaceBook only for cunts you don't like.
Arsebook is an anti-social utility that connects you with the people YOU HATE.
Go ahead and sign up.
Arsebook is an anti-social utility that connects you with the people YOU HATE.
Go ahead and sign up.
Black Cunt Calls White Uber Cunt A Fat White Bastard
Chris Tryhorn
Monday September 10, 2007
MediaGuardian.co.uk
ITV has been cleared of racism by TV watchdog Ofcom after Sir Trevor McDonald (the cunt) called the late controversial comic Bernard Manning (uber cunt) a "fat, white bastard".
A total of 112 viewers complained that the remark, made on Sir Trevor's ITV1 Sunday night news comedy programme News Knight the week Manning died, was inappropriate or racist.
But Ofcom said Sir Trevor "clearly intended to parody" Manning's own brand of comedy, which played on racial stereotypes and was often denounced as racist.
The regulator cleared ITV of breaching broadcasting guidelines, ruling that "any offence that may have been caused was justified by the context".
During the June 24 edition of News Knight, less than a week after Manning's death aged 76, Sir Trevor introduced an item as "Racist and Dead".
"This week, it's the turn of corpulent, narrow-minded northerner Bernard Manning," he said. "Personally, I never thought of Bernard Manning as a racist comic... just a fat, white bastard...".
"The comments were clearly intended to parody Manning's own comedy, where he claimed he was not himself racist, but simply made 'jokes' based on racial stereotypes," Ofcom said.
News On Other Fat Bastards
In the US plans have been unveiled to update the Statue of Liberty and bring it into the 21st century. A spokesman for the local borough council has stated that for too long the statue has been a relic of the past, “for too ling the statue has been a relic of the past”, he said. “It’s about time she got a makeover or a face lift. Americans can no longer relate to the image she portrays and we are hoping the new image will be more in keeping with current US values”.
He could be onto something here.
Monday September 10, 2007
MediaGuardian.co.uk
ITV has been cleared of racism by TV watchdog Ofcom after Sir Trevor McDonald (the cunt) called the late controversial comic Bernard Manning (uber cunt) a "fat, white bastard".
A total of 112 viewers complained that the remark, made on Sir Trevor's ITV1 Sunday night news comedy programme News Knight the week Manning died, was inappropriate or racist.
But Ofcom said Sir Trevor "clearly intended to parody" Manning's own brand of comedy, which played on racial stereotypes and was often denounced as racist.
The regulator cleared ITV of breaching broadcasting guidelines, ruling that "any offence that may have been caused was justified by the context".
During the June 24 edition of News Knight, less than a week after Manning's death aged 76, Sir Trevor introduced an item as "Racist and Dead".
"This week, it's the turn of corpulent, narrow-minded northerner Bernard Manning," he said. "Personally, I never thought of Bernard Manning as a racist comic... just a fat, white bastard...".
"The comments were clearly intended to parody Manning's own comedy, where he claimed he was not himself racist, but simply made 'jokes' based on racial stereotypes," Ofcom said.
News On Other Fat Bastards
In the US plans have been unveiled to update the Statue of Liberty and bring it into the 21st century. A spokesman for the local borough council has stated that for too long the statue has been a relic of the past, “for too ling the statue has been a relic of the past”, he said. “It’s about time she got a makeover or a face lift. Americans can no longer relate to the image she portrays and we are hoping the new image will be more in keeping with current US values”.
He could be onto something here.
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