I went to Dunnes for a roll at lunch time. I’m not proud of it but I was hungry. I asked the wee woman behind the counter for a roll with chicken and cheese. Chicken and cheese she asked, yes I said chicken and cheese. Confident that my request had been processed by her I wandered off to get my pint of milk. When I returned to the deli she had my roll all wrapped up and I was on my way.
When I got back to the office and un-wrapped my chicken and cheese roll there was only chicken. I was fucking livid!
I took my chicken, no cheese, roll back down to Dunnes and confronted the half sized dumpy wee fuck of a yoke with the evidence. I requested a very simple roll I said, it only required that you remember two things for no more than two minutes. Two things, I said, chicken and cheese, if you’re asked for only two things and reminded of them twice and yet still forget one of them then what does that say about you I said, and shoved the roll back under her nose to further prove my point.
She squinted at it from under her glasses like I had handed her the end of my cock. Well we all make mistakes and I’m not in the habit of been spoken to in that tone of voice by the likes of you, she said in a superior, I’m this side of the counter kind of way. I stared at her as I weighed up my options, but I'm afraid my anger over her insolence got the better of me.
I reached over the counter and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck. She lurched forward, her body paralysed by surprise. I grabbed her collar with my other hand and in a flash she was sliding down the outside of the deli counter, my side of the deli counter like a clothed drunk walrus. I was giddy with rage as her floppy meaty head hit the tiled floor. I dragged her back from the counter raising her upward, by the back of her collar, as I went. When she was almost on her feet I gave her a series of upper cuts to the underside of her chin. I thumped and thumped her work mates screamed and screamed, someone shouted for security and I thumped and thumped.
Eventually I felt her head get mushy her face started to droop like the bells palsied fuck nut that she was. It was only when her white deli hat started to turn a dark red that I realised I had thumped the top of her head off. I had liberated what meager brains she had from her cranium.
I stopped thumping and threw her backwards toward the counter which she hit with some considerable force. Her hat went north smearing the counter with brain matter as her dumpy little cheese forgetting body slid south.
I could still hear the moans of her work mates as I left the shop. I think tomorrow I’ll make my own fucking sandwich.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
No More Slagging God ...
This was in todays Independent....
By Dearbhail McDonald Legal Editor
Thursday April 30 2009
JUSTICE Minister Dermot Ahern has defended the introduction of a new crime of blasphemous libel, stating that a new definition was required by the Constitution.
Speaking after an Oireachtas committee meeting, Mr Ahern yesterday defended a fine of up to €100,000 that will be imposed on blasphemers.
The Government moved to revive the crime by placing it onto a fresh statutory footing following advice from the office of the Attorney General.
Gardai will now have the power to seize blasphemous material from the home or any other premises used by a person convicted of blasphemy.
The proposed law flies in the face of a recommendation by the Law Reform Commission which said in 1991 that there was no place for such an offence in a society which respects freedom of speech.
There are fears that the new offence may be used by fundamentalists to crack down on publication of material perceived to be injurious to faith.
If they ever come to my house I'll be jailed for life!
My thoughts were ...
By Dearbhail McDonald Legal Editor
Thursday April 30 2009
JUSTICE Minister Dermot Ahern has defended the introduction of a new crime of blasphemous libel, stating that a new definition was required by the Constitution.
Speaking after an Oireachtas committee meeting, Mr Ahern yesterday defended a fine of up to €100,000 that will be imposed on blasphemers.
The Government moved to revive the crime by placing it onto a fresh statutory footing following advice from the office of the Attorney General.
Gardai will now have the power to seize blasphemous material from the home or any other premises used by a person convicted of blasphemy.
The proposed law flies in the face of a recommendation by the Law Reform Commission which said in 1991 that there was no place for such an offence in a society which respects freedom of speech.
There are fears that the new offence may be used by fundamentalists to crack down on publication of material perceived to be injurious to faith.
If they ever come to my house I'll be jailed for life!
My thoughts were ...
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Zombie Guinea Pigs....
The caution of the following real life newsgroup conversation is "be careful what you ask for - you might just get it"
Engineer #1: I bought my 7-year old daughter a guinea pig over the weekend. Are there any horror stories out there I need to be aware of?
Engineer #2: By the way, a DirectX 8.0 compatible food bowl driver is recommended for full EAT support.
Engineer #3: Didn't Stephen King write one about a woman in her son trapped in a broken down car, being terrorized by a rabid cavy?
Engineer #2: That was Cujo, not cavy. They were being terrorized by a rabid dog.
Engineer #3: It might have been a Mutant Giant Guinea Pig ....
Engineer #4: There's Attack of the Mutant Vampire Guinea Pig - once, a weary traveller came to stop at an inn in the countryside. He paid for a meal and drink but, despite the warnings from the locals not to proceed that evening, owing to the presence of a full moon, the traveller pressed on for the night. He was not taken in by the tales of a creature of extraordinary strength and cunning roaming the wilds... It was not long before this unwary man was beset by the pitter-patter of tiny feet running along the dead leaves that covered the ground. Getting more concerned by the approaching sounds, the traveller tried to flee, heading away from the creature at his quickest pace, sweat visibly falling from his face! But it was in vain, as the creature caught up with him, using its superior night-vision and familiarity with the surroundings. Cornered in an open field, the traveller begged for mercy, but the creature did not listen, and it lunged forward, viciously mauling the poor, foolish man. What became of the man is not known, but it is rumoured that, at every full moon, fur grows from every pore in his skin and he craves carrots and cantaloupe...
Engineer #2: I thought that was overrated. Now Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig was miles better.
Engineer#4: Yes, but "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig" like so many sequels relied too heavily on special effects. The 1956 original had more atmosphere, though the scandal surrounding the treatment of the cast reduced the box office take considerably.
Engineer #2: That's true of the later remake of "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig", but I was referring to the original, which was considered as a "tribute" rather than as a "sequel" (because of the "Zombies" as against "Vampires" in the first film).
Engineer #3: Was that the one where she picked the guinea pig up by the tail and its eyes fell out?
Engineer #4: "That was the one".
Engineer #3: How did they do that without special effects? Guinea pigs don't have tails!
Engineer #4: That was the whole point - it was all to do with the threat. You never actually saw her pick it up by the tail.
Engineer #3: You did in the remake.
Engineer #4: But that was the guy imagining what would happen if she did. Like I said, the remake relied heavily on special effects.
Engineer #2: Personally, I preferred Scary Robotic Zombie Voodoo Guinea Pig over the remake.
Engineer #3: It was no match for the Giant Flesh-Eating Zombie Vampire Guinea Pig from Hell.
Engineer #5: Whatever you do, ignore both the awful parody "Abbott and Costello meet the Killer Zombie Mutant Vampire Cavy" with the terrible running gag in which Bud Abbott keeps on confusing 'cavies' for 'cavities'. "This running gag should have been made to stop running and to go and lie down in a darkened room" according to the film critic on the Mavis Enderby Gazette.
Engineer #3: Is it true that they are going to make 15 Prequels in true Hollywood fashion? Father of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Mother of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Conception of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Birth of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Screaming little smelly Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Annoying, Pesky Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig...etc...etc...
Engineer #5: What about Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro in The Godfather of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.
Engineer #4: And the awful "Night of the Cavy" which was a sequel to "Night of the Lepus" about mutant giant bunnies which lived in abandoned mineshafts.
Engineer #6: Shouldn't it have been called "Night of the Cuniculus"? Lepus is hare. Cuniculus is rabbit.
Engineer #1: Errr....can anyone give me any hints on looking after my guinea pig?
Later ...
Engineer #1: In Worcestershire there are tales of mutant guinea pigs the size of large dogs terrorizing locals! Holed up in the woods somewhere, locals warned not to approach. Is this true?
Engineer #3: Could this be the reason I haven't met anyone from that part of the country for the last two years?
Arachnaphobic Engineer: This morning I woke up, and to my horror a GIANT spider (ok so it wasn't 40 metres wide or anything but it was big) had appeared on my wall. Is there anything I can use to convince spiders to leave me alone?
Engineer #2: The only thing you can do to persuade the spiders to leave is to introduce the special "spider eating" guinea pig.
Arachnophobic Engineer: Well, is it possible to build a house which is completely spider proof?
Engineer #2: No, because the spiders have transporter technology and can beam in anywhere.
Engineer #1: I bought my 7-year old daughter a guinea pig over the weekend. Are there any horror stories out there I need to be aware of?
Engineer #2: By the way, a DirectX 8.0 compatible food bowl driver is recommended for full EAT support.
Engineer #3: Didn't Stephen King write one about a woman in her son trapped in a broken down car, being terrorized by a rabid cavy?
Engineer #2: That was Cujo, not cavy. They were being terrorized by a rabid dog.
Engineer #3: It might have been a Mutant Giant Guinea Pig ....
Engineer #4: There's Attack of the Mutant Vampire Guinea Pig - once, a weary traveller came to stop at an inn in the countryside. He paid for a meal and drink but, despite the warnings from the locals not to proceed that evening, owing to the presence of a full moon, the traveller pressed on for the night. He was not taken in by the tales of a creature of extraordinary strength and cunning roaming the wilds... It was not long before this unwary man was beset by the pitter-patter of tiny feet running along the dead leaves that covered the ground. Getting more concerned by the approaching sounds, the traveller tried to flee, heading away from the creature at his quickest pace, sweat visibly falling from his face! But it was in vain, as the creature caught up with him, using its superior night-vision and familiarity with the surroundings. Cornered in an open field, the traveller begged for mercy, but the creature did not listen, and it lunged forward, viciously mauling the poor, foolish man. What became of the man is not known, but it is rumoured that, at every full moon, fur grows from every pore in his skin and he craves carrots and cantaloupe...
Engineer #2: I thought that was overrated. Now Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig was miles better.
Engineer#4: Yes, but "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig" like so many sequels relied too heavily on special effects. The 1956 original had more atmosphere, though the scandal surrounding the treatment of the cast reduced the box office take considerably.
Engineer #2: That's true of the later remake of "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig", but I was referring to the original, which was considered as a "tribute" rather than as a "sequel" (because of the "Zombies" as against "Vampires" in the first film).
Engineer #3: Was that the one where she picked the guinea pig up by the tail and its eyes fell out?
Engineer #4: "That was the one".
Engineer #3: How did they do that without special effects? Guinea pigs don't have tails!
Engineer #4: That was the whole point - it was all to do with the threat. You never actually saw her pick it up by the tail.
Engineer #3: You did in the remake.
Engineer #4: But that was the guy imagining what would happen if she did. Like I said, the remake relied heavily on special effects.
Engineer #2: Personally, I preferred Scary Robotic Zombie Voodoo Guinea Pig over the remake.
Engineer #3: It was no match for the Giant Flesh-Eating Zombie Vampire Guinea Pig from Hell.
Engineer #5: Whatever you do, ignore both the awful parody "Abbott and Costello meet the Killer Zombie Mutant Vampire Cavy" with the terrible running gag in which Bud Abbott keeps on confusing 'cavies' for 'cavities'. "This running gag should have been made to stop running and to go and lie down in a darkened room" according to the film critic on the Mavis Enderby Gazette.
Engineer #3: Is it true that they are going to make 15 Prequels in true Hollywood fashion? Father of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Mother of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Conception of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Birth of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Screaming little smelly Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Annoying, Pesky Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig...etc...etc...
Engineer #5: What about Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro in The Godfather of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.
Engineer #4: And the awful "Night of the Cavy" which was a sequel to "Night of the Lepus" about mutant giant bunnies which lived in abandoned mineshafts.
Engineer #6: Shouldn't it have been called "Night of the Cuniculus"? Lepus is hare. Cuniculus is rabbit.
Engineer #1: Errr....can anyone give me any hints on looking after my guinea pig?
Later ...
Engineer #1: In Worcestershire there are tales of mutant guinea pigs the size of large dogs terrorizing locals! Holed up in the woods somewhere, locals warned not to approach. Is this true?
Engineer #3: Could this be the reason I haven't met anyone from that part of the country for the last two years?
Arachnaphobic Engineer: This morning I woke up, and to my horror a GIANT spider (ok so it wasn't 40 metres wide or anything but it was big) had appeared on my wall. Is there anything I can use to convince spiders to leave me alone?
Engineer #2: The only thing you can do to persuade the spiders to leave is to introduce the special "spider eating" guinea pig.
Arachnophobic Engineer: Well, is it possible to build a house which is completely spider proof?
Engineer #2: No, because the spiders have transporter technology and can beam in anywhere.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Holy Clustered Shit Fuck
I've just returned from my post lunch sham shite, although it's almost too cold to be sham shiteing, and in the imortal words of Brian The Boult ...
Someone had left a floater and no ordinary floater I might add. It must have been a five pounder. I swear to jaysus it was the biggest continuous human shite I have ever seen. To call it a log doesn’t do it justice it was more of a trunk if anything. How he walked after passing that thing I’ll never know. It’s no wonder the fuckin’ thing wouldn’t flush you’d need a jack hammer and a welders mask to sort that thing out. It must be five or six inches in diameter and must have torn the hole out of him pushing it out. Rectum, rectum I’d say it nearly fuckin’ killed him!
Anyway here are some amusing pictures to take your mind of that colossal shite …
Someone had left a floater and no ordinary floater I might add. It must have been a five pounder. I swear to jaysus it was the biggest continuous human shite I have ever seen. To call it a log doesn’t do it justice it was more of a trunk if anything. How he walked after passing that thing I’ll never know. It’s no wonder the fuckin’ thing wouldn’t flush you’d need a jack hammer and a welders mask to sort that thing out. It must be five or six inches in diameter and must have torn the hole out of him pushing it out. Rectum, rectum I’d say it nearly fuckin’ killed him!
Anyway here are some amusing pictures to take your mind of that colossal shite …
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