Should we let them die ... or am I being an eco-mentalist ??
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Should We Let Them Die
I heard an advertisement on the wireless last night about how people can purchase one thousand injections as a gift for Christmas. It was through a Unicef program and the injections were for measles and other life threatening conditions that would effectively prolong the life span of the recipient children who would probably otherwise die. To some this seems like a truly noble idea and a far better use of money than the obligatory jocks n socks that will undoubtedly be passed off as gifts. I’m not so sure. If you look at it from a purely logical point of view, the planet is over populated and the strain on resources is already palpable and soon enough it’ll be a case of stop the planet somebody has to get off. To be brutally blunt, is it not the normal way of things that natural selection should dictate that these poor unfortunate children don’t make it to adulthood. On the one hand isn’t it great that mankind has reached a stage in our evolution where people in little old Ireland can stump up a few bob and safeguard the survival chances of children all over the world. On the other hand just because we can, should we? If these children don’t get help from abroad they may die, sad for the families, not so sad for the planet. The same logic could be applied to the goats and cows that Bothar send to Africa. If we didn’t send them those families may die. Sad for them, not so sad for the planet. I guess what I’m trying to get at is that if we keep saving everyone and if advances in medical science keep prolonging life, our planet will be pushed beyond coping and we’ll all die.
Should we let them die ... or am I being an eco-mentalist ??
Should we let them die ... or am I being an eco-mentalist ??
Friday, October 2, 2009
Shitty Shitters & The Shitty Shitters That Shit Them
It’s the little things in life that drive me fuckin’ crazy. Like the toilets here where I work. They are of the single cubicle windowless solitary confinement variety where the light switch also controls the extractor fan. That in itself doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is the fact that some of my male co workers like to go in there and evacuate their apparently putrid bowels brewing up a mighty shit storm and then turn the fucking light off when they leave, thus turning off the extractor fan also. Leaving poor unsuspecting souls, like me, to open the door and walk in completely unprepared for the tsunami like wave of toxic shit fumes that would almost melt your face. It’s a simple matter of physics, well physics and biology to be more precise. With the door closed and the extractor fan switched off the toxic shit fumes have nowhere to go in the windowless cubicle but when door opens each little putrid particle of stinking shittyness races toward the opening like a pedophile priest towards an altar boy. Your body recoils in shock but by the time your brain has had a chance to register your body starts to spasm. You start to dry heave but this only serves to force more of the smell down your throat and by consequence up your nose. Your nose tries to seal itself shut and your eyes start to water uncontrollably. It’s akin to munching on a flaming fucking onion. You quickly back up but it's too late. The smell has already raped the face off you. Each little shit filled particle has dry humped your head like a horny dog on a bean bag. The damage has been done and you feel violated. All I wanted was a piss man …
This made me smile though ..
This made me smile though ..
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The Wise Thoughts Of BNP Ladies ....
Babes of the BNP
This post was written on July 6, 2009
Posted By: Gavin Haynes
You no longer need to be a hatchet-faced National Front refugee to join the whites-only club. The fascist menace no longer wears jackboots. It no longer flags down the number 25 bus with a hearty “Sieg Heil”. Nope, ours is a new, gentler, more airbrushed age. Feminism’s here, so now girls can dig race hate too. As the BNP’s attempts to reposition itself as a mainstream party have advanced its perimeter far beyond the usual crewcuts-n-tats brigade, we spoke to three of the more acceptable new faces of the unacceptable. A bunch of hotties!
Rebecca Edwards
Manchester
Vice: How old are you?
Rebecca: 23.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a full-time mum.
What first attracted you to the BNP?
My husband. He’s been in the army for twelve years, and when I met him four years ago, he actually told me about the BNP and what they were doing. And from then on, I started to support them.
Are most of your friends BNP?
Yeah. Not particularly the people in our area, but our friends are.
When people say the BNP is a fascist party, what do you think?
Fascist – I don’t understand that word.
Think of Nazi Germany, or 1930s Italy.
I can’t even remember when that happened really, but I’m against them anyway.
You’re against who?
The Germans. I know that sounds evil… I was brought up that way.
But not the Nazis?
No, I don’t agree with that at all.
What’s the best thing about living in Britain today?
I hate Britain, and I want to move to Spain in the next couple of years, ‘cos our country’s not England anymore. It’s very rare for English people to live here anymore. When I went to Lanzarote, I felt more English there than I do here, and that’s no exaggeration.
But won’t you then be an immigrant too?
Yeah but the answer to that is I would go over to their country and respect their country. I wouldn’t go over there and try and do suicidal bombs [sic]. The immigrants that come over to this country should be making this a good country and proud of it and helping this country, but most of them don’t.
What do you think symbolises Britain best?
Well, I used to know Britain as strong, and over the past couple of years, I don’t know if I’ve grown up, but I’ve seen it going soft. The memory I have is the war, and how we fighted [sic] all the people in WWI and WWII, and it makes me proud to be British.
Fish or chips?
Fish.
Alan Carr or Jimmy Carr?
Alan.
David Mellor or David Beckham?
Beckham.
Jesus Jones or Jesus Christ?
Jesus Christ.
Hieronymus Bosch or a Bosch electric sander?
I don’t know them, I’ll just put the second one.
Plato or Playdough?
Playdough.
Towel or rag?
Towel.
Morrissey or Eric Clapton?
Morrissey.
Nick Nolte or Nick Griffin?
Nick Griffin.
In terms of the BNP’s repatriation policy on immigration, if you had to choose, who would you repatriate first, Dizzee Rascal or Tinchy Stryder?
The second one, because I’ve never heard of him and I like Dizzee Rascal.
Which do you dislike more: Muslims or Jews?
Muslims.
Do you think Nick Griffin is actually gay, or is that just a vicious rumour?
No. I think it’s a vicious rumour.
Have you seen him in the flesh? He’s quite mincey.
I’ve only seen him on the news. I really like him.
Do you think the anti-BNP movements are too overtly black?
Not really.
As a hypothetical solution to the immigration problem, what about dividing Britain down the middle, and using the left half for immigrants, and the right half for everyone else.
Sorry, I don’t get that. Am I’m being really thick? No. I don’t think so.
What if immigrants could prove their usefulness – shouldn’t they then be allowed to stay? For instance, if they began life here with a six-month period of forced labour? Perhaps spent making shoes for the rest of the population in a giant shoe factory in the East Midlands?
No. They shouldn’t come to Britain at all in the first place.
What about people who’ve grown up in Britain from a very young age, but aren’t, as the BNP would term it, “ethnically British”? When you repatriated them, don’t you think the BNP should first give them intensive lessons in speaking, for example, the Ghanaian language, and learning the skills of an agriculturally-based society?
No. I don’t think so. Just send them back. I know that sounds really evil…
OK, what if Ghana, or wherever, decrees that these immigrants are now Britain’s responsibilty – that they no longer have the right to live in Ghana. Do you think war with Ghana would be justified to force the issue, or would you simply propose a system of gradually-raised trade sanctions, possibly with the aid of a UN mandate?
I wouldn’t do the war, ‘cos I’m against war. Er, the other one…
Carol Thatcher – hero or villain?
Hero.
Al Jolson – hero or villain?
I don’t know who he is. Um, hero.
Mother Theresa – hero or villain.
Hero.
Hitler – hero or villian?
Villain.
Ant & Dec – heroes or villains?
Heroes.
Finally, has anything amusing ever happened to you in connection with spoons?
Spoons? No. I don’t follow.
Jo Bell
Newcastle
Vice: How old are you?
Jo: 19
What do you do for a living?
I haven’t got a job at the moment. I used to work in a call centre for TalkTalk. It was fun, but we got retrenched.
What attracted you to the BNP?
I just liked what they were saying. I think they’re talking the truth, standing up for what they believe in, not just saying what they think people want to hear.
Are most of your friends BNP?
Some of them are. I kind of got into it through my friend Danny. He’s really racist. Everyone calls him “Nazi Danny”. He started telling me about them, and it made a lot of sense.
When people say the BNP is a fascist party, what do you think?
Some people don’t understand what the BNP is about. I’ve had rows with people – not fights, just big arguments. I probably am a bit racist, mind.
What, to you, symbolises Britain best?
Um, I’d say maybe St George’s flag, partly because my favourite film is This Is England – it’s about skinheads, but they’re not really racist, because one of them is a black kid. They turn on him in the end, but because he was one of the gang they’re not really racist. They just believe in what they believe in.
Fish or chips?
Chips.
Alan Carr or Jimmy Carr?
Alan.
Princess Di or Jade Goody?
Jade.
Ant or Dec?
Dec.
Brown shirt or black shirt?
Black.
Bird in the hand or two in the bush?
Two in the bush.
Fred West or Stephen Fry?
Stephen Fry.
Morrissey or Eric Clapton?
Morrissey.
What do you think the BNP could do to improve its appeal to minority voters?
A lot of people have got an opinion against the BNP that they’re racists or bullies. I don’t think the BNP are a mainstream party that everyone should follow. I think they believe what they believe. I think if we came across more to the people, because I’ve spoken to people before, and they’ve been like, “Well, what is the BNP?” and they couldn’t even say what BNP stood for. A lot of people don’t really know much about it unless you’re quite racist or quite nationalist. So if they could explain themselves to people more clearly, a lot more people would listen.
Do you think Nick Griffin has concentrated his manifesto enough on the problem of falling house prices?
Not really, but I don’t think anyone is. I don’t think there’s anything that can really be done about it.
In terms of the BNP’s repatriation policy on immigration, if you had to choose, who would you repatriate first – Dizzee Rascal or Tinchy Stryder?
Dizzee Rascal. I know this is gonna sound horrible, because he’s the one who’s the most, like… because, my problem is that when immigrants come over to this country, they try and bring in their own churches and languages. And I think he expresses himself more as like an African or whatever he is, whereas Tinchy Stryder is more American. That’s the difference.
Which do you dislike more, Muslims or Hindus?
Muslims. They’re the ones who’ve got the most attention, they’re the ones who are kicking off about things the most. They’re more in the public eye as troublemakers.
If, as a hypothetical solution to the problem of immigration, we turned over one city to immigrants and made them all live there in a sort of ghetto, what city would you choose?
Birmingham, because it’s full of them anyway.
What if immigrants could prove their usefulness – should they then be allowed to stay? For instance, by selecting only immigrants who were extremely good-looking?
No. I just don’t think there should be any. You see, just because they’re black, I haven’t got a problem with that. If they’ve lived in the country for a long time and they’re working, and say they’re a doctor or they’re actually doing something. It’s when they’re getting benefits that I have a problem, ‘cos there’s plenty of people in our country who need our money and plenty of people who are British who are homeless, and they are just being given our money.
Is the problem one of culture, not ethnicity? For instance, would you be prepared to accept Muslims in your community if they all converted to Christianity, took part in maypole ceremonies on St George’s day, took elocution lessons and dressed solely in Harris Tweed?
You mean if they weren’t trying to imply [sic] their own religion and if they acted like us? Well, I wouldn’t have as much of a problem. There’s a school in our town, and everyone jokes about it, like it’s spot-the-white-kid school. In the town now, they’ve got a religious school, and they’ve got lots of prayers in Arabic on the wall, and I think that’s just totally wrong. Yeah, they should learn our language. I find it really insulting. Like, in the call centre, people would ring up, and you’d ask to speak to the account holder and they’d go, “The account holder doesn’t speak English.” It used to really, really annoy us.
Peter Andre – hero or villain?
Aw, hero.
Jeremy Clarkson – hero or villain?
Hero.
Enoch Powell – hero or villian?
Hero.
Nelson Mandela – hero or villain?
Villain.
Finally, has anything amusing ever happened to you in connection with spoons?
Spoons? As in, like, a spoon? I don’t think so.
Helen Riddell
Newcastle
Vice: How old are you?
Helen: 19. Wait, no, 18. 19 next month.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a kitchen assistant at the minute.
What first attracted you to the BNP?
I don’t know. I couldn’t really actually tell you. There were a couple of the sentences I agreed with. Basically about how immigrants are coming and taking people’s jobs and that.
Are most of your friends BNP?
Some of them are.
And your parents?
No. What are they? I think Liberal Democrat. I dunno.
Are there any BNP policies you disagree with?
Not so far, no, ‘cos I’m still in the middle of looking up all that about it at the moment.
When people say the BNP is a fascist party, what do you think?
Yes, in some ways it is. But there we are. It’s a hard decision. There’s some things I think are good and some things I think are bad, so it’s a hard decision to make, but it was the one party I felt closer to than any of the other parties.
Is there a big anti-BNP movement up in Newcastle? Do you get a lot of stick?
Not really.
Do you have arguments about it with people?
Sometimes, yeah. But not like heated arguments.
Fish or chips?
Fish.
Alan Carr or Jimmy Carr?
Alan.
Princess Di or Jade Goody?
Di.
Blair or Brown?
Brown.
Michael Jackson or Tim Westwood?
Michael Jackson.
Peter Andre or Steven Hawking?
Peter Andre.
What do you think the BNP could do to improve its appeal to gay voters?
Erm, ooh, I don’t know. I haven’t a clue.
In terms of the BNP’s repatriation policy on immigration, if you had to choose, who would you repatriate first – Dizzee Rascal or Tinchy Stryder?
Tinchy Stryder, ‘cos he’s not very well known. Dizzee Rascal’s more of a worldwide-known icon.
What should we do with Lenny Henry?
I don’t even know who that is, sorry.
Which do you dislike more, Muslims or black people?
Muslims. I’ve never seen any advertisements about blacks who come here and don’t work. It’s more the Muslims, ‘cos basically that’s what I object to. My mum split up with my dad a couple of years ago, and she was going to get a flat off the council, and the first question they asked her on the form was “Are you an immigrant?” I don’t agree with that, you see, so that’s where it started from.
So you agree with the BNP’s send-em-back policies?
Yeah.
But would it be possible to maybe come to a compromise with a noble race like the Chinese? Perhaps keep them on as a sort of servant class?
Yeah. I wouldn’t mind them if they actually worked and didn’t take all of our jobs, basically. I wouldn’t mind them if they contributed something to this country.
What nationality would you most like to keep on in the UK?
African, because my nana’s African. She was a white African from somewhere next to Cape Town. She moved back here in 1987 or something. My granddad was in the RAF over there and she came back with him.
So what nationality would you most like to be waited-on by as a servant class?
Oh God, there’s a few. There’s a couple I would, but I can’t really pinpoint one.
Go on.
I don’t know. Chinese maybe?
Sure thing. What ethnicity would you most like to make love to?
Oh, God, British.
Outside of that?
Say… black.
What if immigrants only asked to be allowed into the country on condition they had been sterilised, so that they couldn’t create any children to further burden the state? Would that be a potential solution?
Um, yeah, I think so.
Let’s try a word association game. Just say the first word that comes into your head.
OK.
Golly.
Wally.
Rag.
Rug.
Goose.
Duck.
Oswald.
Place.
Concentration.
Head.
Bunny.
Rabbit.
Finally, has anything amusing ever happened to you in connection with spoons?
Spoons? Erm, no.
GAVIN HAYNES
This post was written on July 6, 2009
Posted By: Gavin Haynes
You no longer need to be a hatchet-faced National Front refugee to join the whites-only club. The fascist menace no longer wears jackboots. It no longer flags down the number 25 bus with a hearty “Sieg Heil”. Nope, ours is a new, gentler, more airbrushed age. Feminism’s here, so now girls can dig race hate too. As the BNP’s attempts to reposition itself as a mainstream party have advanced its perimeter far beyond the usual crewcuts-n-tats brigade, we spoke to three of the more acceptable new faces of the unacceptable. A bunch of hotties!
Rebecca Edwards
Manchester
Vice: How old are you?
Rebecca: 23.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a full-time mum.
What first attracted you to the BNP?
My husband. He’s been in the army for twelve years, and when I met him four years ago, he actually told me about the BNP and what they were doing. And from then on, I started to support them.
Are most of your friends BNP?
Yeah. Not particularly the people in our area, but our friends are.
When people say the BNP is a fascist party, what do you think?
Fascist – I don’t understand that word.
Think of Nazi Germany, or 1930s Italy.
I can’t even remember when that happened really, but I’m against them anyway.
You’re against who?
The Germans. I know that sounds evil… I was brought up that way.
But not the Nazis?
No, I don’t agree with that at all.
What’s the best thing about living in Britain today?
I hate Britain, and I want to move to Spain in the next couple of years, ‘cos our country’s not England anymore. It’s very rare for English people to live here anymore. When I went to Lanzarote, I felt more English there than I do here, and that’s no exaggeration.
But won’t you then be an immigrant too?
Yeah but the answer to that is I would go over to their country and respect their country. I wouldn’t go over there and try and do suicidal bombs [sic]. The immigrants that come over to this country should be making this a good country and proud of it and helping this country, but most of them don’t.
What do you think symbolises Britain best?
Well, I used to know Britain as strong, and over the past couple of years, I don’t know if I’ve grown up, but I’ve seen it going soft. The memory I have is the war, and how we fighted [sic] all the people in WWI and WWII, and it makes me proud to be British.
Fish or chips?
Fish.
Alan Carr or Jimmy Carr?
Alan.
David Mellor or David Beckham?
Beckham.
Jesus Jones or Jesus Christ?
Jesus Christ.
Hieronymus Bosch or a Bosch electric sander?
I don’t know them, I’ll just put the second one.
Plato or Playdough?
Playdough.
Towel or rag?
Towel.
Morrissey or Eric Clapton?
Morrissey.
Nick Nolte or Nick Griffin?
Nick Griffin.
In terms of the BNP’s repatriation policy on immigration, if you had to choose, who would you repatriate first, Dizzee Rascal or Tinchy Stryder?
The second one, because I’ve never heard of him and I like Dizzee Rascal.
Which do you dislike more: Muslims or Jews?
Muslims.
Do you think Nick Griffin is actually gay, or is that just a vicious rumour?
No. I think it’s a vicious rumour.
Have you seen him in the flesh? He’s quite mincey.
I’ve only seen him on the news. I really like him.
Do you think the anti-BNP movements are too overtly black?
Not really.
As a hypothetical solution to the immigration problem, what about dividing Britain down the middle, and using the left half for immigrants, and the right half for everyone else.
Sorry, I don’t get that. Am I’m being really thick? No. I don’t think so.
What if immigrants could prove their usefulness – shouldn’t they then be allowed to stay? For instance, if they began life here with a six-month period of forced labour? Perhaps spent making shoes for the rest of the population in a giant shoe factory in the East Midlands?
No. They shouldn’t come to Britain at all in the first place.
What about people who’ve grown up in Britain from a very young age, but aren’t, as the BNP would term it, “ethnically British”? When you repatriated them, don’t you think the BNP should first give them intensive lessons in speaking, for example, the Ghanaian language, and learning the skills of an agriculturally-based society?
No. I don’t think so. Just send them back. I know that sounds really evil…
OK, what if Ghana, or wherever, decrees that these immigrants are now Britain’s responsibilty – that they no longer have the right to live in Ghana. Do you think war with Ghana would be justified to force the issue, or would you simply propose a system of gradually-raised trade sanctions, possibly with the aid of a UN mandate?
I wouldn’t do the war, ‘cos I’m against war. Er, the other one…
Carol Thatcher – hero or villain?
Hero.
Al Jolson – hero or villain?
I don’t know who he is. Um, hero.
Mother Theresa – hero or villain.
Hero.
Hitler – hero or villian?
Villain.
Ant & Dec – heroes or villains?
Heroes.
Finally, has anything amusing ever happened to you in connection with spoons?
Spoons? No. I don’t follow.
Jo Bell
Newcastle
Vice: How old are you?
Jo: 19
What do you do for a living?
I haven’t got a job at the moment. I used to work in a call centre for TalkTalk. It was fun, but we got retrenched.
What attracted you to the BNP?
I just liked what they were saying. I think they’re talking the truth, standing up for what they believe in, not just saying what they think people want to hear.
Are most of your friends BNP?
Some of them are. I kind of got into it through my friend Danny. He’s really racist. Everyone calls him “Nazi Danny”. He started telling me about them, and it made a lot of sense.
When people say the BNP is a fascist party, what do you think?
Some people don’t understand what the BNP is about. I’ve had rows with people – not fights, just big arguments. I probably am a bit racist, mind.
What, to you, symbolises Britain best?
Um, I’d say maybe St George’s flag, partly because my favourite film is This Is England – it’s about skinheads, but they’re not really racist, because one of them is a black kid. They turn on him in the end, but because he was one of the gang they’re not really racist. They just believe in what they believe in.
Fish or chips?
Chips.
Alan Carr or Jimmy Carr?
Alan.
Princess Di or Jade Goody?
Jade.
Ant or Dec?
Dec.
Brown shirt or black shirt?
Black.
Bird in the hand or two in the bush?
Two in the bush.
Fred West or Stephen Fry?
Stephen Fry.
Morrissey or Eric Clapton?
Morrissey.
What do you think the BNP could do to improve its appeal to minority voters?
A lot of people have got an opinion against the BNP that they’re racists or bullies. I don’t think the BNP are a mainstream party that everyone should follow. I think they believe what they believe. I think if we came across more to the people, because I’ve spoken to people before, and they’ve been like, “Well, what is the BNP?” and they couldn’t even say what BNP stood for. A lot of people don’t really know much about it unless you’re quite racist or quite nationalist. So if they could explain themselves to people more clearly, a lot more people would listen.
Do you think Nick Griffin has concentrated his manifesto enough on the problem of falling house prices?
Not really, but I don’t think anyone is. I don’t think there’s anything that can really be done about it.
In terms of the BNP’s repatriation policy on immigration, if you had to choose, who would you repatriate first – Dizzee Rascal or Tinchy Stryder?
Dizzee Rascal. I know this is gonna sound horrible, because he’s the one who’s the most, like… because, my problem is that when immigrants come over to this country, they try and bring in their own churches and languages. And I think he expresses himself more as like an African or whatever he is, whereas Tinchy Stryder is more American. That’s the difference.
Which do you dislike more, Muslims or Hindus?
Muslims. They’re the ones who’ve got the most attention, they’re the ones who are kicking off about things the most. They’re more in the public eye as troublemakers.
If, as a hypothetical solution to the problem of immigration, we turned over one city to immigrants and made them all live there in a sort of ghetto, what city would you choose?
Birmingham, because it’s full of them anyway.
What if immigrants could prove their usefulness – should they then be allowed to stay? For instance, by selecting only immigrants who were extremely good-looking?
No. I just don’t think there should be any. You see, just because they’re black, I haven’t got a problem with that. If they’ve lived in the country for a long time and they’re working, and say they’re a doctor or they’re actually doing something. It’s when they’re getting benefits that I have a problem, ‘cos there’s plenty of people in our country who need our money and plenty of people who are British who are homeless, and they are just being given our money.
Is the problem one of culture, not ethnicity? For instance, would you be prepared to accept Muslims in your community if they all converted to Christianity, took part in maypole ceremonies on St George’s day, took elocution lessons and dressed solely in Harris Tweed?
You mean if they weren’t trying to imply [sic] their own religion and if they acted like us? Well, I wouldn’t have as much of a problem. There’s a school in our town, and everyone jokes about it, like it’s spot-the-white-kid school. In the town now, they’ve got a religious school, and they’ve got lots of prayers in Arabic on the wall, and I think that’s just totally wrong. Yeah, they should learn our language. I find it really insulting. Like, in the call centre, people would ring up, and you’d ask to speak to the account holder and they’d go, “The account holder doesn’t speak English.” It used to really, really annoy us.
Peter Andre – hero or villain?
Aw, hero.
Jeremy Clarkson – hero or villain?
Hero.
Enoch Powell – hero or villian?
Hero.
Nelson Mandela – hero or villain?
Villain.
Finally, has anything amusing ever happened to you in connection with spoons?
Spoons? As in, like, a spoon? I don’t think so.
Helen Riddell
Newcastle
Vice: How old are you?
Helen: 19. Wait, no, 18. 19 next month.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a kitchen assistant at the minute.
What first attracted you to the BNP?
I don’t know. I couldn’t really actually tell you. There were a couple of the sentences I agreed with. Basically about how immigrants are coming and taking people’s jobs and that.
Are most of your friends BNP?
Some of them are.
And your parents?
No. What are they? I think Liberal Democrat. I dunno.
Are there any BNP policies you disagree with?
Not so far, no, ‘cos I’m still in the middle of looking up all that about it at the moment.
When people say the BNP is a fascist party, what do you think?
Yes, in some ways it is. But there we are. It’s a hard decision. There’s some things I think are good and some things I think are bad, so it’s a hard decision to make, but it was the one party I felt closer to than any of the other parties.
Is there a big anti-BNP movement up in Newcastle? Do you get a lot of stick?
Not really.
Do you have arguments about it with people?
Sometimes, yeah. But not like heated arguments.
Fish or chips?
Fish.
Alan Carr or Jimmy Carr?
Alan.
Princess Di or Jade Goody?
Di.
Blair or Brown?
Brown.
Michael Jackson or Tim Westwood?
Michael Jackson.
Peter Andre or Steven Hawking?
Peter Andre.
What do you think the BNP could do to improve its appeal to gay voters?
Erm, ooh, I don’t know. I haven’t a clue.
In terms of the BNP’s repatriation policy on immigration, if you had to choose, who would you repatriate first – Dizzee Rascal or Tinchy Stryder?
Tinchy Stryder, ‘cos he’s not very well known. Dizzee Rascal’s more of a worldwide-known icon.
What should we do with Lenny Henry?
I don’t even know who that is, sorry.
Which do you dislike more, Muslims or black people?
Muslims. I’ve never seen any advertisements about blacks who come here and don’t work. It’s more the Muslims, ‘cos basically that’s what I object to. My mum split up with my dad a couple of years ago, and she was going to get a flat off the council, and the first question they asked her on the form was “Are you an immigrant?” I don’t agree with that, you see, so that’s where it started from.
So you agree with the BNP’s send-em-back policies?
Yeah.
But would it be possible to maybe come to a compromise with a noble race like the Chinese? Perhaps keep them on as a sort of servant class?
Yeah. I wouldn’t mind them if they actually worked and didn’t take all of our jobs, basically. I wouldn’t mind them if they contributed something to this country.
What nationality would you most like to keep on in the UK?
African, because my nana’s African. She was a white African from somewhere next to Cape Town. She moved back here in 1987 or something. My granddad was in the RAF over there and she came back with him.
So what nationality would you most like to be waited-on by as a servant class?
Oh God, there’s a few. There’s a couple I would, but I can’t really pinpoint one.
Go on.
I don’t know. Chinese maybe?
Sure thing. What ethnicity would you most like to make love to?
Oh, God, British.
Outside of that?
Say… black.
What if immigrants only asked to be allowed into the country on condition they had been sterilised, so that they couldn’t create any children to further burden the state? Would that be a potential solution?
Um, yeah, I think so.
Let’s try a word association game. Just say the first word that comes into your head.
OK.
Golly.
Wally.
Rag.
Rug.
Goose.
Duck.
Oswald.
Place.
Concentration.
Head.
Bunny.
Rabbit.
Finally, has anything amusing ever happened to you in connection with spoons?
Spoons? Erm, no.
GAVIN HAYNES
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Lord Save Me From Vista
I never thought it was possible to hate an inanimate object as much as I hate Windows Vista. It is undoubtedly the bane of my life. Being forced to use this cursed excuse for an operating system is tantamount to torture. The US government should scrap water boarding and just force detainees to use Vista day in day out. I’d confess to having crucified Christ just to get away from it. I often lay awake at night praying to God to give life to Vista just so I can hunt it down and slaughter it like the pig of a thing that it is, and I’m an atheist, that just proves the depth of my hatred. I hate Vista so much I found God.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Lady Ga Ga Me Hole
Seriously.
If you don't want people looking at you, stop dressing like a cunt!
Look at me!
Don't look at me!
Look at me!
Fuck away off and put on some pants.
Junk Mail Love
Just got this junk mail proposition ...
Hello my new friend! You probably will be very much surprised to my letter. And where I could find your electronic address. One of these days I was registered a site of acquaintances. And today to me from him there has come the reference with your address. In it it was spoken, that we with you harmonious pair. And I have decided to write to you this letter. My name is Elena,
So far so good. Elena might sound like Yoda's daughter but I give her the benifit of the doubt ..
It continues ..
me of 27 years. My growth of 168 sm,
Hey hold on there Yoda, you have a growth of 168 sm? I've no idea what an "sm" is but that growth sounds fuckin huge. It's a real whopper and may need medical attention....
.. my weight of 53 kg. I the quiet, romantic girl. I want to meet in the life the present love. In my opinion, At all a variety of nationalities occupying our planet. In the world there is that uniqu person, With which I can find happiness and family rest. My dream, it to create family, To leave in marriage for remarkable the man, to give birth to children.
To leave in marriage? We haven't even met yet and already you're tubbed and planning on fucking off and leaving me with the wee ones.
... and together with the loved person To aspire to bring up ours with it children that they became the most remarkable people. Actually I very modest girls and vulnerable.
You very modest girls? How many of you are there?
To me to not like, when people to face speak one, And behind a back another is completely.
Shit I think my brain just broke. Elena just got existential on my ass...
.. and I think, that from the very beginning of ours with you of acquaintance. We should be fair with each other.
Yes we should be fair with each other, Yoda or Elena or who ever. Fair would be not talking in tongues yeah ...
As in the first letter, I want to send you the photo. I hope that it to like you.
I'm sure your photo will love me, sure why wouldn't it...
If you were interested with my letter. And you as well as I want to meet the present love in the life. That I think to us with you it is necessary to begin ours with you acquaintance. Who knows, it is possible we are really harmonious with you. Also we shall create the best in the world a pair.
Harmonious acquaintance indeed I think. But figure Yoda/Elena needs to lay off the crack pipe. Then I notice the sending address is from one Levi Jordan and any urge to harmonize our acquaintance quickly dissipates ....
Hello my new friend! You probably will be very much surprised to my letter. And where I could find your electronic address. One of these days I was registered a site of acquaintances. And today to me from him there has come the reference with your address. In it it was spoken, that we with you harmonious pair. And I have decided to write to you this letter. My name is Elena,
So far so good. Elena might sound like Yoda's daughter but I give her the benifit of the doubt ..
It continues ..
me of 27 years. My growth of 168 sm,
Hey hold on there Yoda, you have a growth of 168 sm? I've no idea what an "sm" is but that growth sounds fuckin huge. It's a real whopper and may need medical attention....
.. my weight of 53 kg. I the quiet, romantic girl. I want to meet in the life the present love. In my opinion, At all a variety of nationalities occupying our planet. In the world there is that uniqu person, With which I can find happiness and family rest. My dream, it to create family, To leave in marriage for remarkable the man, to give birth to children.
To leave in marriage? We haven't even met yet and already you're tubbed and planning on fucking off and leaving me with the wee ones.
... and together with the loved person To aspire to bring up ours with it children that they became the most remarkable people. Actually I very modest girls and vulnerable.
You very modest girls? How many of you are there?
To me to not like, when people to face speak one, And behind a back another is completely.
Shit I think my brain just broke. Elena just got existential on my ass...
.. and I think, that from the very beginning of ours with you of acquaintance. We should be fair with each other.
Yes we should be fair with each other, Yoda or Elena or who ever. Fair would be not talking in tongues yeah ...
As in the first letter, I want to send you the photo. I hope that it to like you.
I'm sure your photo will love me, sure why wouldn't it...
If you were interested with my letter. And you as well as I want to meet the present love in the life. That I think to us with you it is necessary to begin ours with you acquaintance. Who knows, it is possible we are really harmonious with you. Also we shall create the best in the world a pair.
Harmonious acquaintance indeed I think. But figure Yoda/Elena needs to lay off the crack pipe. Then I notice the sending address is from one Levi Jordan and any urge to harmonize our acquaintance quickly dissipates ....
Racism In Ireland
What a great little country we live in. Cead mile failte, land of a thousand welcomes, just so long as you’re white and speak fluent English. Yes I watched Prime Time on the idiot box last night and sensationalized as it undoubtedly was it still left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m well aware that there are some emigrants who are milking the social welfare system but let’s not tarnish all emigrants with the same well worn brush. There are plenty of Irish people doing the same thing.
We’ve always had an ample sense of bigotry on this island fed by years of torment at the hands of our near neighbors and historical oppressors but that was somehow accepted by the population at large. Skin color was less relevant we just hated the English, a national pastime, and sure wasn’t it great to have a hobby.
With the exception of the man who was hidden by a tree while he launched a tirade of vitriolic abuse at an African running for local government the most ignorant and rabid of those interviewed on last night’s program seemed to be either on their way to score heroin or on their way back. Their jaundiced complexions and nasal tones attesting to the fact, spinning the mantra straight from the Idiots Guide To Racism “Yeah all dem foreigners coming over here stealing our jobs” and this from a couple of vacuous fuck-tards who probably never worked a day in their wasted lives. How short the memories.
I’m incapable of fathoming how any Irish person can be critical of emigrants. Are we, the Irish, not the most nomadic of nationalities? Our ancestors are flung to furthest corners of the Earth and we expect to be accepted and taken into the fold of each and every nation we choose to inhabit. Yet we treat those emigrating here with contempt. It appears that what’s good for the goose is not in fact good for the gander.
Those non-national non-EU people working here are to have the rules under which they can work curtailed. The government, in their infinite cuntishness, are to introduce a clause whereby the honest and hard working emigrants are only allowed to stay in the country for three months if they lose their jobs. They will not be allowed to apply for another job unless it has first been advertised for eight weeks. Thus removing all hope of ever finding another job. So they have three months in which to find employment but they can’t look for the first two. How very Kafkaesque of our fearless leaders. Deportation by stealth.
There are reported to be over 80 million people in the Irish diaspora and if they we’re all deported back to Ireland the fucking place would sink. We truly are advancing as a nation, we’re no longer just a bigoted shower, no, now we can add racist and xenophobic to the list too. Welcome to Ireland but mind you don't stay too long.
We’ve always had an ample sense of bigotry on this island fed by years of torment at the hands of our near neighbors and historical oppressors but that was somehow accepted by the population at large. Skin color was less relevant we just hated the English, a national pastime, and sure wasn’t it great to have a hobby.
With the exception of the man who was hidden by a tree while he launched a tirade of vitriolic abuse at an African running for local government the most ignorant and rabid of those interviewed on last night’s program seemed to be either on their way to score heroin or on their way back. Their jaundiced complexions and nasal tones attesting to the fact, spinning the mantra straight from the Idiots Guide To Racism “Yeah all dem foreigners coming over here stealing our jobs” and this from a couple of vacuous fuck-tards who probably never worked a day in their wasted lives. How short the memories.
I’m incapable of fathoming how any Irish person can be critical of emigrants. Are we, the Irish, not the most nomadic of nationalities? Our ancestors are flung to furthest corners of the Earth and we expect to be accepted and taken into the fold of each and every nation we choose to inhabit. Yet we treat those emigrating here with contempt. It appears that what’s good for the goose is not in fact good for the gander.
Those non-national non-EU people working here are to have the rules under which they can work curtailed. The government, in their infinite cuntishness, are to introduce a clause whereby the honest and hard working emigrants are only allowed to stay in the country for three months if they lose their jobs. They will not be allowed to apply for another job unless it has first been advertised for eight weeks. Thus removing all hope of ever finding another job. So they have three months in which to find employment but they can’t look for the first two. How very Kafkaesque of our fearless leaders. Deportation by stealth.
There are reported to be over 80 million people in the Irish diaspora and if they we’re all deported back to Ireland the fucking place would sink. We truly are advancing as a nation, we’re no longer just a bigoted shower, no, now we can add racist and xenophobic to the list too. Welcome to Ireland but mind you don't stay too long.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Deli Horror
I went to Dunnes for a roll at lunch time. I’m not proud of it but I was hungry. I asked the wee woman behind the counter for a roll with chicken and cheese. Chicken and cheese she asked, yes I said chicken and cheese. Confident that my request had been processed by her I wandered off to get my pint of milk. When I returned to the deli she had my roll all wrapped up and I was on my way.
When I got back to the office and un-wrapped my chicken and cheese roll there was only chicken. I was fucking livid!
I took my chicken, no cheese, roll back down to Dunnes and confronted the half sized dumpy wee fuck of a yoke with the evidence. I requested a very simple roll I said, it only required that you remember two things for no more than two minutes. Two things, I said, chicken and cheese, if you’re asked for only two things and reminded of them twice and yet still forget one of them then what does that say about you I said, and shoved the roll back under her nose to further prove my point.
She squinted at it from under her glasses like I had handed her the end of my cock. Well we all make mistakes and I’m not in the habit of been spoken to in that tone of voice by the likes of you, she said in a superior, I’m this side of the counter kind of way. I stared at her as I weighed up my options, but I'm afraid my anger over her insolence got the better of me.
I reached over the counter and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck. She lurched forward, her body paralysed by surprise. I grabbed her collar with my other hand and in a flash she was sliding down the outside of the deli counter, my side of the deli counter like a clothed drunk walrus. I was giddy with rage as her floppy meaty head hit the tiled floor. I dragged her back from the counter raising her upward, by the back of her collar, as I went. When she was almost on her feet I gave her a series of upper cuts to the underside of her chin. I thumped and thumped her work mates screamed and screamed, someone shouted for security and I thumped and thumped.
Eventually I felt her head get mushy her face started to droop like the bells palsied fuck nut that she was. It was only when her white deli hat started to turn a dark red that I realised I had thumped the top of her head off. I had liberated what meager brains she had from her cranium.
I stopped thumping and threw her backwards toward the counter which she hit with some considerable force. Her hat went north smearing the counter with brain matter as her dumpy little cheese forgetting body slid south.
I could still hear the moans of her work mates as I left the shop. I think tomorrow I’ll make my own fucking sandwich.
When I got back to the office and un-wrapped my chicken and cheese roll there was only chicken. I was fucking livid!
I took my chicken, no cheese, roll back down to Dunnes and confronted the half sized dumpy wee fuck of a yoke with the evidence. I requested a very simple roll I said, it only required that you remember two things for no more than two minutes. Two things, I said, chicken and cheese, if you’re asked for only two things and reminded of them twice and yet still forget one of them then what does that say about you I said, and shoved the roll back under her nose to further prove my point.
She squinted at it from under her glasses like I had handed her the end of my cock. Well we all make mistakes and I’m not in the habit of been spoken to in that tone of voice by the likes of you, she said in a superior, I’m this side of the counter kind of way. I stared at her as I weighed up my options, but I'm afraid my anger over her insolence got the better of me.
I reached over the counter and grabbed her by the scruff of the neck. She lurched forward, her body paralysed by surprise. I grabbed her collar with my other hand and in a flash she was sliding down the outside of the deli counter, my side of the deli counter like a clothed drunk walrus. I was giddy with rage as her floppy meaty head hit the tiled floor. I dragged her back from the counter raising her upward, by the back of her collar, as I went. When she was almost on her feet I gave her a series of upper cuts to the underside of her chin. I thumped and thumped her work mates screamed and screamed, someone shouted for security and I thumped and thumped.
Eventually I felt her head get mushy her face started to droop like the bells palsied fuck nut that she was. It was only when her white deli hat started to turn a dark red that I realised I had thumped the top of her head off. I had liberated what meager brains she had from her cranium.
I stopped thumping and threw her backwards toward the counter which she hit with some considerable force. Her hat went north smearing the counter with brain matter as her dumpy little cheese forgetting body slid south.
I could still hear the moans of her work mates as I left the shop. I think tomorrow I’ll make my own fucking sandwich.
No More Slagging God ...
This was in todays Independent....
By Dearbhail McDonald Legal Editor
Thursday April 30 2009
JUSTICE Minister Dermot Ahern has defended the introduction of a new crime of blasphemous libel, stating that a new definition was required by the Constitution.
Speaking after an Oireachtas committee meeting, Mr Ahern yesterday defended a fine of up to €100,000 that will be imposed on blasphemers.
The Government moved to revive the crime by placing it onto a fresh statutory footing following advice from the office of the Attorney General.
Gardai will now have the power to seize blasphemous material from the home or any other premises used by a person convicted of blasphemy.
The proposed law flies in the face of a recommendation by the Law Reform Commission which said in 1991 that there was no place for such an offence in a society which respects freedom of speech.
There are fears that the new offence may be used by fundamentalists to crack down on publication of material perceived to be injurious to faith.
If they ever come to my house I'll be jailed for life!
My thoughts were ...
By Dearbhail McDonald Legal Editor
Thursday April 30 2009
JUSTICE Minister Dermot Ahern has defended the introduction of a new crime of blasphemous libel, stating that a new definition was required by the Constitution.
Speaking after an Oireachtas committee meeting, Mr Ahern yesterday defended a fine of up to €100,000 that will be imposed on blasphemers.
The Government moved to revive the crime by placing it onto a fresh statutory footing following advice from the office of the Attorney General.
Gardai will now have the power to seize blasphemous material from the home or any other premises used by a person convicted of blasphemy.
The proposed law flies in the face of a recommendation by the Law Reform Commission which said in 1991 that there was no place for such an offence in a society which respects freedom of speech.
There are fears that the new offence may be used by fundamentalists to crack down on publication of material perceived to be injurious to faith.
If they ever come to my house I'll be jailed for life!
My thoughts were ...
Monday, April 6, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
Zombie Guinea Pigs....
The caution of the following real life newsgroup conversation is "be careful what you ask for - you might just get it"
Engineer #1: I bought my 7-year old daughter a guinea pig over the weekend. Are there any horror stories out there I need to be aware of?
Engineer #2: By the way, a DirectX 8.0 compatible food bowl driver is recommended for full EAT support.
Engineer #3: Didn't Stephen King write one about a woman in her son trapped in a broken down car, being terrorized by a rabid cavy?
Engineer #2: That was Cujo, not cavy. They were being terrorized by a rabid dog.
Engineer #3: It might have been a Mutant Giant Guinea Pig ....
Engineer #4: There's Attack of the Mutant Vampire Guinea Pig - once, a weary traveller came to stop at an inn in the countryside. He paid for a meal and drink but, despite the warnings from the locals not to proceed that evening, owing to the presence of a full moon, the traveller pressed on for the night. He was not taken in by the tales of a creature of extraordinary strength and cunning roaming the wilds... It was not long before this unwary man was beset by the pitter-patter of tiny feet running along the dead leaves that covered the ground. Getting more concerned by the approaching sounds, the traveller tried to flee, heading away from the creature at his quickest pace, sweat visibly falling from his face! But it was in vain, as the creature caught up with him, using its superior night-vision and familiarity with the surroundings. Cornered in an open field, the traveller begged for mercy, but the creature did not listen, and it lunged forward, viciously mauling the poor, foolish man. What became of the man is not known, but it is rumoured that, at every full moon, fur grows from every pore in his skin and he craves carrots and cantaloupe...
Engineer #2: I thought that was overrated. Now Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig was miles better.
Engineer#4: Yes, but "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig" like so many sequels relied too heavily on special effects. The 1956 original had more atmosphere, though the scandal surrounding the treatment of the cast reduced the box office take considerably.
Engineer #2: That's true of the later remake of "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig", but I was referring to the original, which was considered as a "tribute" rather than as a "sequel" (because of the "Zombies" as against "Vampires" in the first film).
Engineer #3: Was that the one where she picked the guinea pig up by the tail and its eyes fell out?
Engineer #4: "That was the one".
Engineer #3: How did they do that without special effects? Guinea pigs don't have tails!
Engineer #4: That was the whole point - it was all to do with the threat. You never actually saw her pick it up by the tail.
Engineer #3: You did in the remake.
Engineer #4: But that was the guy imagining what would happen if she did. Like I said, the remake relied heavily on special effects.
Engineer #2: Personally, I preferred Scary Robotic Zombie Voodoo Guinea Pig over the remake.
Engineer #3: It was no match for the Giant Flesh-Eating Zombie Vampire Guinea Pig from Hell.
Engineer #5: Whatever you do, ignore both the awful parody "Abbott and Costello meet the Killer Zombie Mutant Vampire Cavy" with the terrible running gag in which Bud Abbott keeps on confusing 'cavies' for 'cavities'. "This running gag should have been made to stop running and to go and lie down in a darkened room" according to the film critic on the Mavis Enderby Gazette.
Engineer #3: Is it true that they are going to make 15 Prequels in true Hollywood fashion? Father of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Mother of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Conception of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Birth of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Screaming little smelly Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Annoying, Pesky Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig...etc...etc...
Engineer #5: What about Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro in The Godfather of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.
Engineer #4: And the awful "Night of the Cavy" which was a sequel to "Night of the Lepus" about mutant giant bunnies which lived in abandoned mineshafts.
Engineer #6: Shouldn't it have been called "Night of the Cuniculus"? Lepus is hare. Cuniculus is rabbit.
Engineer #1: Errr....can anyone give me any hints on looking after my guinea pig?
Later ...
Engineer #1: In Worcestershire there are tales of mutant guinea pigs the size of large dogs terrorizing locals! Holed up in the woods somewhere, locals warned not to approach. Is this true?
Engineer #3: Could this be the reason I haven't met anyone from that part of the country for the last two years?
Arachnaphobic Engineer: This morning I woke up, and to my horror a GIANT spider (ok so it wasn't 40 metres wide or anything but it was big) had appeared on my wall. Is there anything I can use to convince spiders to leave me alone?
Engineer #2: The only thing you can do to persuade the spiders to leave is to introduce the special "spider eating" guinea pig.
Arachnophobic Engineer: Well, is it possible to build a house which is completely spider proof?
Engineer #2: No, because the spiders have transporter technology and can beam in anywhere.
Engineer #1: I bought my 7-year old daughter a guinea pig over the weekend. Are there any horror stories out there I need to be aware of?
Engineer #2: By the way, a DirectX 8.0 compatible food bowl driver is recommended for full EAT support.
Engineer #3: Didn't Stephen King write one about a woman in her son trapped in a broken down car, being terrorized by a rabid cavy?
Engineer #2: That was Cujo, not cavy. They were being terrorized by a rabid dog.
Engineer #3: It might have been a Mutant Giant Guinea Pig ....
Engineer #4: There's Attack of the Mutant Vampire Guinea Pig - once, a weary traveller came to stop at an inn in the countryside. He paid for a meal and drink but, despite the warnings from the locals not to proceed that evening, owing to the presence of a full moon, the traveller pressed on for the night. He was not taken in by the tales of a creature of extraordinary strength and cunning roaming the wilds... It was not long before this unwary man was beset by the pitter-patter of tiny feet running along the dead leaves that covered the ground. Getting more concerned by the approaching sounds, the traveller tried to flee, heading away from the creature at his quickest pace, sweat visibly falling from his face! But it was in vain, as the creature caught up with him, using its superior night-vision and familiarity with the surroundings. Cornered in an open field, the traveller begged for mercy, but the creature did not listen, and it lunged forward, viciously mauling the poor, foolish man. What became of the man is not known, but it is rumoured that, at every full moon, fur grows from every pore in his skin and he craves carrots and cantaloupe...
Engineer #2: I thought that was overrated. Now Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig was miles better.
Engineer#4: Yes, but "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig" like so many sequels relied too heavily on special effects. The 1956 original had more atmosphere, though the scandal surrounding the treatment of the cast reduced the box office take considerably.
Engineer #2: That's true of the later remake of "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig", but I was referring to the original, which was considered as a "tribute" rather than as a "sequel" (because of the "Zombies" as against "Vampires" in the first film).
Engineer #3: Was that the one where she picked the guinea pig up by the tail and its eyes fell out?
Engineer #4: "That was the one".
Engineer #3: How did they do that without special effects? Guinea pigs don't have tails!
Engineer #4: That was the whole point - it was all to do with the threat. You never actually saw her pick it up by the tail.
Engineer #3: You did in the remake.
Engineer #4: But that was the guy imagining what would happen if she did. Like I said, the remake relied heavily on special effects.
Engineer #2: Personally, I preferred Scary Robotic Zombie Voodoo Guinea Pig over the remake.
Engineer #3: It was no match for the Giant Flesh-Eating Zombie Vampire Guinea Pig from Hell.
Engineer #5: Whatever you do, ignore both the awful parody "Abbott and Costello meet the Killer Zombie Mutant Vampire Cavy" with the terrible running gag in which Bud Abbott keeps on confusing 'cavies' for 'cavities'. "This running gag should have been made to stop running and to go and lie down in a darkened room" according to the film critic on the Mavis Enderby Gazette.
Engineer #3: Is it true that they are going to make 15 Prequels in true Hollywood fashion? Father of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Mother of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Conception of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Birth of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Screaming little smelly Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig. Annoying, Pesky Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig...etc...etc...
Engineer #5: What about Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro in The Godfather of the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig.
Engineer #4: And the awful "Night of the Cavy" which was a sequel to "Night of the Lepus" about mutant giant bunnies which lived in abandoned mineshafts.
Engineer #6: Shouldn't it have been called "Night of the Cuniculus"? Lepus is hare. Cuniculus is rabbit.
Engineer #1: Errr....can anyone give me any hints on looking after my guinea pig?
Later ...
Engineer #1: In Worcestershire there are tales of mutant guinea pigs the size of large dogs terrorizing locals! Holed up in the woods somewhere, locals warned not to approach. Is this true?
Engineer #3: Could this be the reason I haven't met anyone from that part of the country for the last two years?
Arachnaphobic Engineer: This morning I woke up, and to my horror a GIANT spider (ok so it wasn't 40 metres wide or anything but it was big) had appeared on my wall. Is there anything I can use to convince spiders to leave me alone?
Engineer #2: The only thing you can do to persuade the spiders to leave is to introduce the special "spider eating" guinea pig.
Arachnophobic Engineer: Well, is it possible to build a house which is completely spider proof?
Engineer #2: No, because the spiders have transporter technology and can beam in anywhere.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Holy Clustered Shit Fuck
I've just returned from my post lunch sham shite, although it's almost too cold to be sham shiteing, and in the imortal words of Brian The Boult ...
Someone had left a floater and no ordinary floater I might add. It must have been a five pounder. I swear to jaysus it was the biggest continuous human shite I have ever seen. To call it a log doesn’t do it justice it was more of a trunk if anything. How he walked after passing that thing I’ll never know. It’s no wonder the fuckin’ thing wouldn’t flush you’d need a jack hammer and a welders mask to sort that thing out. It must be five or six inches in diameter and must have torn the hole out of him pushing it out. Rectum, rectum I’d say it nearly fuckin’ killed him!
Anyway here are some amusing pictures to take your mind of that colossal shite …
Someone had left a floater and no ordinary floater I might add. It must have been a five pounder. I swear to jaysus it was the biggest continuous human shite I have ever seen. To call it a log doesn’t do it justice it was more of a trunk if anything. How he walked after passing that thing I’ll never know. It’s no wonder the fuckin’ thing wouldn’t flush you’d need a jack hammer and a welders mask to sort that thing out. It must be five or six inches in diameter and must have torn the hole out of him pushing it out. Rectum, rectum I’d say it nearly fuckin’ killed him!
Anyway here are some amusing pictures to take your mind of that colossal shite …
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
