Not To Be Out Foxed.

On Saturday evening last I was driving up the country in the ninja mobile when I was unexpectedly held up by a fox. There I was motoring along the N3 just passing the church in Newcastle only hitting the road in spots when this little red tailed fucker jumps out of the ditch carrying what looked like a rat in his mouth. It was dark and the headlights seemed to offer him some solace as he ran along, right in my lane, right between the beams of light. I pressed my foot on the stopping mechanism i.e. the brakes and the vehicle slowly reduced its speed to match that of the fox, roughly ten miles per hour. The sound of the car swiftly approaching his ass didn’t seem to deter him. On he galloped head and tail bobbing as if heading into town and only too delighted to have his way lit by my headlights. I figured perhaps he was mesmerized by the lights, like something caught in a tractor beam on star trek, so I switched the lights off in the hope that he’d be freed and go back into the ditch from whence he came. It took me no time at all to realize I couldn’t see a fucking thing so I turned them back on and sure enough the little cunt was still there. Onward we went, him running for all he was worth and me tailing behind. I tried to overtake him but as I moved to the right he too moved to the right. I tried blowing the horn but this only served to speed him up a tad but once the horn stopped he resumed his original speed. What to do I pondered and I quickly calculated how long it would take to get to town at our current velocity. Five full miles at ten miles per hour would be half an hour I estimated; I was always good at the sums. I rolled down my window and hollered the figures at the fox, “It’ll take us half an hour to get to town at this rate so speed up a bit or get out of the fucking road”. He ignored me completely. It was as if I wasn’t even there. He never missed his stride no turn of the head in acknowledgement, nothing, nada, zilch. The nerve of the little cunt, take over my road and then pretend I’m not there. I thought about tipping him with the car, nothing sinister mind, just a little nudge like, just enough to put a hitch in his giddy up. I slammed my foot on the go faster mechanism i.e. the accelerator, forgetting for an instant that my car is turbocharged and barrelled right over the little fella. There was a rattle and a thump and shit and snot everywhere then silence. The road was clear. I felt sick and somewhat crippled with remorse, then I belched and realised it was only wind. As I rolled up the window I hollered back “top of the food chain baby top of the food chain”!.