Friday, April 25, 2008

Bank Or Ireland Ya Cunt Ya Bank Of Ireland

Hi lad,

In case you’re wondering why that money has not reached your account yet don’t panic. I’m still good for it. You see I thought I would simply put it into your account via the magical black arts of the interweb being all apt with the electronics and technology as I am. But it would seem Bank Of Ireland are about as much use as a chocolate tea pot.

In the good old days one could ring up give them the account details and before you know it, Robert’s your fathers brother one could transfer funds into said account with the lightening speed of a gazelle fleeing from a cheetah. But not so now it would seem. No now you call them, give them the bank details and sort code and bank account holders name and your name and the reference you want your details to appear on the other account and your address and your fathers address and your mother’s maiden name and her mother’s maiden name and your peoples family tree and medical history and all manner of pertinent information. Then the hatchet faced wench with a voice that would melt your face informs me that things have changed.

Now they are going to post me out an activation code to activate the new account and when I receive the activation code I should call her again tell her what the code is and she’ll type it in thus activating the new account.

And how long might this wondrous new level of service take I enquired. Five days she said with not a hint of irony nor mirth. The bitch said it like I should be pleased.

So the good people at Bank Of Ireland saw fit to take a service where action and activation were granted with ease, minimum of fuss and in a timely fashion and bastardize the fucking thing into a behemoth of clerical red tape and security driven bullshit where by I’d have been quicker opening up an offshore account and putting the money in that.

Why oh why I implored couldn’t she cut through the red tape and just type the fucking thing in herself. But alas she could not because the activation code sending out department was not her department, no she was only in the account setting up department and had no remit to gain access to the activation code.

So I told her that I hoped the crotch rotted and fell out of her and that her winyagog, uterus and womb remained the dusty lifeless uninhabited pits that they clearly currently were.

I should have the activation code in a week and complete the transaction forthwith.

OhBeJaysus .....

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