The Very Bits

I have been very busy of late, sheering spiders, milking motorcycles, and pruning bunions that sort of thing. Actually no I was flat out busy campaigning for the national elections. I ran using a stealth strategy which included no posters, no ad campaigns, no radio or television broadcasts and I only canvassed at night without knocking. I’d stand at the door for fifteen minutes and if nobody opened it I’d go to the next door. I saw some lovely knockers, and door bells and the like, but no people. I was wrecked after it and I never got a vote.

In other news:

MANCHESTER has beaten London, Dublin and Los Angeles in a league table of the world's best places to live.

But the top 10 most desirable cities, according to a survey by the Economist Intelligence Unit, are virtually all in Canada and Australia, because they are seen as safe from terror attacks.

The place has come on leaps and bounds since the IRA bombed the fuck out of it in the 90’s. I've spent quiet some time there in recent years and I can assure you it has just as many cunts as London or Dublin.

Check out the Beetham Tower below, clearly designed by a fucktard with a ruler and I’m convinced they built it upside down.

Podge and Rodge Quotes of 2006!!

These come courtesy of one Mr. Sheridan an avid fan of firing himself down mountains on a gate ....

My mouth's as dry as a nun's crack

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled shite (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

I left her with a face like a painters radio <<(I nearly wet myself reading this one!)

She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book

A sniper wouldn't take her out

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked p*ss off a nettle.

She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall

Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her fanny


Feckin' classics the lot ...

Jail The Bitch For Life

To: Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Dear Governor Schwarzenegger,

We hereby request that Paris Hilton is jailed for life without chance of parole for her crimes of driving while drunk, breaking the terms of her probation and also for the equally unforgivable crime against humanity which was her acting in House of Wax.

Furthermore, by encouraging a petition aimed at getting her pardoned for her obvious stupidity we believe that her prison term should be served in Guantanamo Bay, as putting her in a shapeless orange jumpsuit with a black bag over her head would be a welcome relief for most right-thinking people.

We also request that those people who have signed the petition asking for her to be pardoned should be given immediate psychiatric help as they are clearly not well.
Sincerely,

Jail The Bitch For Life

Bird Hid Bird In Bush

Ireland’s maximum security prison in Portlaoise was raided recently by prison guards in search of various forms of contraband. They found a substantial quantity of smuggled mobile phones, drugs, needles - and a budgie. The prison houses notorious criminals including members of the Dublin and Limerick drug-trafficking gangs and a couple of disaffected terrorist inmates. Officers seized at least eight smuggled mobile phones, three SIM cards, around 150 tablets, including ecstasy, a significant quantity of powdered drugs, a large amount of homemade alcohol, known as hooch, and 30 syringes. When I heard that the haul also included a budgie I wondered what the notorious criminal had actually asked for when he received the budgie. Imagining some hard nosed Limerick gangster asking his cronies to send him some company you know, a bird, and not being graced with brains they’d sent him a budgie. Then I found out it had been smuggled into the jail by a female visitor who concealed the bird internally in her body. Internally in her body no less, that’s one fucked up budgie that’s probably in need of some serious counselling. Historically budgies were used by miners to detect dangerous levels of gas i.e. if the budgie keeled over and died it was time to get the fuck out of dodge. So how does one hide a budgie internally? I suppose if you put into your rectum head first it would kick the shit out of you. If you put it in feet first it would bite the finger off you when you wiped your ass, and how the fuck did she get it back out again without causing a fuss. Sorry warden it’s me growler it’s whacking out a right pong! Never mind the pong how did you get it to say pretty Polly?


Lawyer lodges $67m legal claim

It gives the phrase "taking someone to the cleaners" new meaning. A Washington judge who says his local dry cleaners lost his pants is suing them for $67m (€49.3m). Even in the world's most litigious society, the case has dismayed many in the legal community. The dispute began in 2002, when lawyer Roy Pearson took a pair of trousers into Custom Cleaners in his Fort Lincoln neighbourhood of the capital. They were lost. The owners, Jim and Soo Chung - Korean immigrants like many in the business - offered $150 (€110) in compensation, which was accepted. There are suggestions of a row, which involved Mr Pearson being barred. Those trousers are not part of the writ. Relations were patched up and three years later, after being appointed a tribunal judge, Mr Pearson took a pair of trousers to the Chungs for alteration. In court papers, he claims this pair too were lost. The Chungs insist they were found a week later and say they can prove it. Mr Pearson's first letter of complaint to the Chungs sought $1,150 (€846) so he could buy a new suit. Then lawyers got involved. The Chungs offered Pearson $3,000, then $4,600 and, finally, their lawyer, Chris Manning, offered $12,000 (€8,820) to settle the case. But Mr Pearson, who sits on government tribunals, refused to back down. He based his writ on the cleaners' failure to fulfil two signs in their window: 'Satisfaction Guaranteed', and 'Same Day Service'. He reached the figure of $67m as follows: Washington's consumer protection law provides for damages of $1,500 (€1,100) per violation per day. Mr Pearson started multiplying: 12 violations over 1,200 days, times three defendants (the Chungs and their son). He included $15,000 (€11,000) to rent a car every weekend for 10 years, arguing that he didn't own a car and had to drive to a different cleaner. He seeks $500,000 (€368,000) in emotional damages and $542,000 (€399,000) in legal fees, though he is representing himself. According to the 'Washington Post', Mr Pearson has set the Chungs and their lawyers a long list of questions and requests, such as: 'Please identify by name, full address and telephone number, all cleaners known to you on May 1, 2005 in the District of Columbia, the United States and the world that advertise 'Satisfaction Guaranteed'. The Chungs have removed the signs upon which Mr Pearson's case rests. Soo Chung, speaking through an interpreter to ABC News yesterday, broke down in tears. "It's been so difficult. I just want to go home, go back to Korea."

If ever anyone was in need of a battery acid enema and contracting the bad aids and dying it is surely this cunt wha?