Bird Hid Bird In Bush

Ireland’s maximum security prison in Portlaoise was raided recently by prison guards in search of various forms of contraband. They found a substantial quantity of smuggled mobile phones, drugs, needles - and a budgie. The prison houses notorious criminals including members of the Dublin and Limerick drug-trafficking gangs and a couple of disaffected terrorist inmates. Officers seized at least eight smuggled mobile phones, three SIM cards, around 150 tablets, including ecstasy, a significant quantity of powdered drugs, a large amount of homemade alcohol, known as hooch, and 30 syringes. When I heard that the haul also included a budgie I wondered what the notorious criminal had actually asked for when he received the budgie. Imagining some hard nosed Limerick gangster asking his cronies to send him some company you know, a bird, and not being graced with brains they’d sent him a budgie. Then I found out it had been smuggled into the jail by a female visitor who concealed the bird internally in her body. Internally in her body no less, that’s one fucked up budgie that’s probably in need of some serious counselling. Historically budgies were used by miners to detect dangerous levels of gas i.e. if the budgie keeled over and died it was time to get the fuck out of dodge. So how does one hide a budgie internally? I suppose if you put into your rectum head first it would kick the shit out of you. If you put it in feet first it would bite the finger off you when you wiped your ass, and how the fuck did she get it back out again without causing a fuss. Sorry warden it’s me growler it’s whacking out a right pong! Never mind the pong how did you get it to say pretty Polly?


Lawyer lodges $67m legal claim

It gives the phrase "taking someone to the cleaners" new meaning. A Washington judge who says his local dry cleaners lost his pants is suing them for $67m (€49.3m). Even in the world's most litigious society, the case has dismayed many in the legal community. The dispute began in 2002, when lawyer Roy Pearson took a pair of trousers into Custom Cleaners in his Fort Lincoln neighbourhood of the capital. They were lost. The owners, Jim and Soo Chung - Korean immigrants like many in the business - offered $150 (€110) in compensation, which was accepted. There are suggestions of a row, which involved Mr Pearson being barred. Those trousers are not part of the writ. Relations were patched up and three years later, after being appointed a tribunal judge, Mr Pearson took a pair of trousers to the Chungs for alteration. In court papers, he claims this pair too were lost. The Chungs insist they were found a week later and say they can prove it. Mr Pearson's first letter of complaint to the Chungs sought $1,150 (€846) so he could buy a new suit. Then lawyers got involved. The Chungs offered Pearson $3,000, then $4,600 and, finally, their lawyer, Chris Manning, offered $12,000 (€8,820) to settle the case. But Mr Pearson, who sits on government tribunals, refused to back down. He based his writ on the cleaners' failure to fulfil two signs in their window: 'Satisfaction Guaranteed', and 'Same Day Service'. He reached the figure of $67m as follows: Washington's consumer protection law provides for damages of $1,500 (€1,100) per violation per day. Mr Pearson started multiplying: 12 violations over 1,200 days, times three defendants (the Chungs and their son). He included $15,000 (€11,000) to rent a car every weekend for 10 years, arguing that he didn't own a car and had to drive to a different cleaner. He seeks $500,000 (€368,000) in emotional damages and $542,000 (€399,000) in legal fees, though he is representing himself. According to the 'Washington Post', Mr Pearson has set the Chungs and their lawyers a long list of questions and requests, such as: 'Please identify by name, full address and telephone number, all cleaners known to you on May 1, 2005 in the District of Columbia, the United States and the world that advertise 'Satisfaction Guaranteed'. The Chungs have removed the signs upon which Mr Pearson's case rests. Soo Chung, speaking through an interpreter to ABC News yesterday, broke down in tears. "It's been so difficult. I just want to go home, go back to Korea."

If ever anyone was in need of a battery acid enema and contracting the bad aids and dying it is surely this cunt wha?