MoreShiteThanYouCanShakeaBigAshPlantAt

Well it was dark when I woke up and I lay there with me arse hole cocked up in the air like a dead cow, I had a bedamndable pain in me stomach and it felt like I had a four stone bag of half eaten rotten supds stuck up inside me. I stumbled through the dark like Phil MacMucksavage stumbles through a sentence, I was looking for something to eat and I found a bag of big green and blue things that were all covered in pock marks. So after eatin all that was in the bag I opened me eyes and bejaysus it was birght. Right says I enough of the messin, I put on me best pair of Billy Dolans y-fronts and headed for Bakers. Now these y-fronts were not very fashionable but christ were they comfortable, they had a lovely long stain of Jisim down the front which was obviously a result of a good night Billy had spent with the SugerBills from BrokeHill. On the back I was sporting a fine collection of small holes which can only have appeared after fifteen years of wear & tear while drinking ten gallons of white spirits and milk, now if that won't make ya piss napalm and shite nails nothin will. Anyway on me way into town I meet the one and only Clogger Malone, he was sittin in the back yard with his lad in his hand beatin off the side of Phils car. "Bejaysus howya gon on" said I, the reply was very abrupt and as mad as a small to medium sized bucket of dogs mickies, "Go way or I'll beat the face of ya with the end me tool ya feckless rouge". "Right" says I "no pints for you then Cloggy", "Ahh bejaysus hould on" says he "I'm sorry". So meself and the bould Colggy Malone got his ould one to drive us into town in that clapped out banger she has the nerve to call a car. Now ould Malone is no F1 driver, jaysus I never even knew you could get to Bakers through the fields but christ when we came round the corner at the back of the mill I nearly ruined me best pair of Billy Dolans y-fronts. You should have seen her, she had her face squashed up against the windscreen, the feckin accelerator floored in second gear and the whole lot been done with the hand break on. Well I grabbed Cloggy by the two ears for safety and held on for dear life, and it wasn't until we stopped or should I say landed at Bakers that I realised why we were in second gear the whole time. Jaysus sure didn't oul Malone have the gear stick stuck to the hilt in her ould scabby guther and her moaning for Vincy Buntty the whole time. Into Bakers we went, I being as intelligent as I am bought the first round ... " Hows that carabunkle you have on your left testicle Baker" says I ... "Gout" says he "ya had your chance " ... so we went to the White Star ... And thats a story for another day ...