Super Mechanic Man

Dropped the car in with the mechanic this morning and what an experience that proved to be. Never before have I met a man with such skill at talking absolute shite. All I wanted to do was drop off my car, pick up a courtesy car and leave. But no, it could never be that simple, I wasn’t dealing with any normal mechanic here, no I was dealing with Super Mechanic Man.

The guy gave me a synopsis of almost every car he ever fixed. I heard all about the Porsche mechanics that came over from Germany because the local Porsche garage couldn’t get a new car to start. How they used all their expertise but couldn’t get it to budge. Low and behold they rang Super Mechanic Man and boy Jausys if he didn’t have it sorted within twenty minutes. You see he had to change the ESI sump and then re-route the ferrymagig through the PRS portal using a soldering iron and a piece of chewing gum.

He then told me about the Mercedes boys down in Cork who were struggling to get a car started. Again Super Mechanic Man was called in to save the day, and fuck me what a hero he turned out to be. He told me he made a deal with the garage owner that he would charge him 1000 euro plus expenses i.e. a fancy lunch in a five start hotel. But if he couldn’t get the car fixed he’d only charge him expenses. Anyway Super Mechanic Man went down to Cork and when he got there didn’t the Mercedes mechanics start giving him guff. So he asked the garage owner if he was a betting man and apparently he was. So Super Mechanic Man bet him 2000 euro that he could get the car started using only a Philips screw driver, a lamp, a soldering iron and a length of wire. Not only would he get it started but he would do it within 5 minutes. The other mere mortal mechanics were taken aback by Super Mechanic Man's claim and all wanted a piece of the pie. So no sooner had he arranged a 2000 euro bet when it was bumped up to 6000. Plus the fancy lunch in the 5 start hotel. It was at this point I wanted to develop Botulism and die on the spot. The deal was they would open the bonnet and hang his lamp so he could see what he was at, plus leave the driver’s door wide open so he could get in. As soon as his hands touched the car they were to start the stop watch. So cocky was Super Mechanic Man that he told them to stick the kettle on and he’d have the car started before the kettle was boiled. To cut a long, mind numbingly boring story short he whipped out the soldering iron fiddled about with his Philips re-routed some fucking thing around some other fucking thing. Disabled the satellite navigation, re-programmed the satellite navigation and had the car running before the kettle boiled. Some man for one man! The Mercedes mechanics were in awe of his ability and offered him a job on the spot. But what sort of job could they offer him that would pay more than 6000 euro for two minutes work. None I said, now just give me the keys of a car till I get the fuck out of here. We headed for the road.

I noticed he had a slight limp and like a bollocks I asked him what happened. Well not only is he a Super Mechanic but he’s a fucking doctor too. His GP told him he had torn a ligament in his knee and dislocated his twelfth rib. Super Mechanic Man is a black belt in martial arts and won the European championship three years in a row. His injury, the doctor informed him, was probably a result of his extensive training. He nearly killed a man once you know. Some bloke armed with a sawn off shot gun came into his garage one morning and demanded money. Super Mechanic Man roundhouse kicked him in the neck and broke three of his vertebrae. When the paramedics came he could tell them that he had broken three of the armed burglar’s vertebrae, and boy jaysus if he wasn’t right. That was two year ago now he said, and your man is still above in the hospital in traction. I so desperately wanted to be in a hospital in traction at this point. I was on the verge of tears, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take before I exploded and told him I thought he was a cunt. So up to the hospital went Super Mechanic Man and in to see his victim. He told him if he ever came back near his garage or ever tried to seek retribution for his broken neck that his entire family would be killed. By roundhouse kicks most likely I surmised, putting fuel on his fire. He knew where they all lived you see, names, ages, addresses the lot. Fuck knows how he knew but I didn’t care, he just knew all right!

So anyway the GP told him he had a dislocated rib. He knew he didn’t. He had done biology in school and knew you couldn’t dislocate your twelfth rib. He self diagnosed his condition for the clumsy doctor and prescribed his own medication. His body was a temple, he knew it could heal itself and all he needed was something to kill the pain. I knew how he felt. After nearly an hour of listening to his shite he finally gave me the keys to a car. A clapped out Toyota Starlet with no power steering, I felt let down. I wanted to run him over but then thought twice about it. He’s probably semi bionic and I’d have only ruined the car.

I’ll have to go back and pick up my own car at some point and judging by how fast he is at fixing cars I’m surprised he hasn’t rang me already. I only hope he gets lock jaw between now and then. I’m not sure I want to face any more tales from the wonderful world of Super Mechanic Man.